Sports & Vaginas

…are mostly sports related. At least the best ones are. Last night we were discussing the opening at the University of Miami (I still might apply) and the names that were being considered.

Enter Dan Mullen.

I love this man. He’s sickeningly intelligent and I like to think he wreaks of awesome. In my mind he bathes in it. Brushes his teeth with it. Eats it for breakfast then poops it out. /sigh

Oh, hello! Ahem.

Anyway, he was the offensive coordinator for the University of Florida at the peak of the Gator’s Tebow-infused reign of superiority. (God I miss those days already.) He’s a no nonsense type of guy. The kind of man who is more interested in telling his wife a more efficient way of making dinner instead of telling her that her burnt lasagna tasted terrific, from what I have seen of him anyway. I love him for that, though I wouldn’t marry him. (Maybe.) Rob was telling me a story about how he and Shane Matthews got in to a fight during a QB camp at UF over Brantley’s throwing motion. I’m too lazy to research what exactly happened, but this is what I imagine Mr Mullen would have done:

Shane comes in, and says something snooty and ignorant like “Hey, this is how The Old Ball Coach did it! It is the best way evarrrr!”

Mr Mullen stares at him with the fiery glare of a gagillion laser beams and says something like “Dude, this is not the 90s. Things have changed.”

Shane replies “WHATEVER! THIS WAS BETTER! WE WON SEC CHAMPIONSHIPS! YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS! I WANT TO BE QB AGAIN!” And he weeps. And we all laugh. Ha!

Mr Mullen tells him simply and elegantly (perhaps in a British accent) that he’s a fucking idiot, and he doesn’t have the time to waste his brilliance on people like him. And he flexes. And we all fall in love. Ahhh.

In short, Shane was like the jealous ex-girlfriend trying to come in and show UF that he could be part of their greatness, and even add to it, when UF anf Mullen knew he’s just a wash up. So there.

Where was I? Oh, Miami. He is now the coach of Mississippi State, and bringing them around nicely. And now Miami wants him, supposedly. I haven’t read a lot about it until now. Mostly because my opinion is pretty dead on, I think. What? You want to know what I think. Okay!

I think Mr. Mullen is going to stay put. Why should he leave after a pretty good season in a tough conference to go to a school with very little patience for rebuilding in a conference that stinks? Do you think his elite brain would be satisfied beating the snot out of those engineers from Georgia Tech each year (sorry, baby!)? I don’t think so. The SEC is a better fit for him. It’s more challenging, exciting. Sure, he may know the kids better in Florida, which works in his favor for recruiting. But who wants to put up with the notorious and shifty violations that Miami (Convict-U) is known for? That’s not Mr. Mullen’s scene. He has no time for tomfoolery! Plus, it’s hot in Miami. His super hero muscles would melt off!

He’s staying. And that’s that. Work. Football. Burnt lasagna.

^5.

This morning I woke up, rolled over and rolled the sleep out of my eyes. I reached for my phone in a sleepy stupor, wiping the eye snot from my face. I checked the ESPN updates. I popped up out of bed, in only a bra, “Babe! Nevada beat Boise State!” There could have been a ton of people in my living room and I wouldn’t have cared that my vag was waving to them all. It was Christmas, twenty eight days early and damn it, fuck pants! Boise State lost! I guess that’s what happens when you play teams ranked in the top 60. The two ranked teams they played either beat them or barely lost to them. What would happen in Auburn or Bama were in their regular season? Their coach would be praying to Lord Xenu and donating his salary to Scientology in hopes that he’d pull off a win somehow. He’d probably have the whole team audited and the stadium reinforced with super secret special Scientology reinforcement stuff. My point is that he’d be desperate to win. 

But if the past two games have been any indication of what is to come today, I am dreadfully nervous and, to be frank, fucking stressed out. And with that, I end with a prayer to the Lord God of Sports*.

Dear Lord God of Sports,

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, for the love of all that is holy and good, please let the Gators actually show up for today’s game. Let their defense be impenetrable. Let the QB (whoever it may be, only you know, LGS) be sharp. Let the offensive line protect said QB(s). Let the coaches make the right calls. Let the ‘Noles break their ankles running onto the field. Let the mall get the trots and have to send in their third string players. Anything, anything but a loss today. Please. I am not above begging.

Sincerely,

The Gator Nation.

*This term I borrowed (stole) with much giddy from Steve Almond. Read his book (Not That You Asked). It’s fun-nay.

Rec me. That’s be awesome. And I’ll send you lots of ^5s and kisses. Maybe taco flavored ones.

What I am thankful for this year:

1. My family. A loving, wondeful and hardworking husband and a beautiful monstery little angel.

2. My health. Despite what craziness my body is doing.
3. The Gators at least beating Tennessee and Georgia. (And hopefully FSU.)

On that note, a friend of mine asked me what I thought of this article last week. Here is my response, in a nutshell.

My thought on Meyer is that he is still not 100% healthy, and is trying to delegate to keep himself healthy enough. Obviously, that’s not working. It’s really easy for people to sit on their couch and Sunday-Morning-Quarterback every decision, every play. Should he fire Adazzio? Maybe. You know at the Vandy game he let the wide receiver’s coach call a lot of the plays. See how that worked out? There is a problem with Adazzio. I’m just not sure what. 

As far as Brantley goes… The dude is being mindfucked by his coaches. He’s a young guy and is being put under a lot of pressure by the fans who expect nothing less than a herculean Tebow sized effort. The dude is NOT Tebow. He’s not even a Danny. He is good at throwing the ball, or was until they tried to make him run the option. He is not an option guy. He is an under center, go down and get open kind of QB. They made him throw screens and try to run the first few games, which messed with what he knows how to do: throw the ball. And now they’re asking him to throw the ball and he’s not smart enough to transition between the two.

I don’t blame Meyer for not having any idea who his best QB is. I don’t think anyone knows. I don’t think we really have a set QB. I do think that Reed should get more touches in the next game. If we play like this against FSU we are not winning. And I’m going to hibernate for a week. 

I do think that Meyer needs to step up and make some difficult decisions. But what those are no one outside the program knows. Like I said, it’s easy to sit here and tell him what he should do… but he’s being pulled in a lot of directions, and has to make the best decision for his team, not the fans.  Meyer doesn’t go into press conferences to give sound bites or tell the press what they want to hear. He goes in there and says things to motivate his team. When he says that Adazzio is doing a good job in public, it’s to motivate him and give him confidence. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or if he believes it.

As far as their QB situation is concerned, if they’re going to stick with Brantley, they need to put him in plays that fit HIM. Same with Burton and Reed. The problem with that is then you give away your plays to the defense. They need to figure out a away to manipulate that without changing who the QBs are. It doesn’t work. Ever.

As for the last comment… I don’t think Urban has the guts for anything right now. I honestly believe that he is still recovering and trying to feel better and is doing too much too soon. I do agree that he needs to make some choices, but I don’t think firing Adazzio and benching Brantley is going to solve anything immediately. It’s like the Redskins they’ve had 32948289347 coaching changes over the years and they still aren’t winning. Why? Because the players can never get used to one style or another and are constantly changing with the change in leadership. You need a transition period, and this is ours.

/sigh

Anyway, there is so much going on now that I’m pretty much just covering what I like.

Chilly was fired yesterday. But I don’t really care.

MV is doing really well with the Jets. That’s pretty awesome for him. I hope he doesn’t fuck up again.

JoePa is going to coach next year. Surprise!

College basketball started. /shrug

I am training for a 5K in December. I have a fun run/walk 5K the morning of Turkey Day. I am kind of nervous about it. I have a friend who ran a 5k in 36 minutes. If I don’t beat that time I will be disappointed, not going to lie. Hopefully I will not die. That would be bad.

Also, I am buy the weirdo hippie Diva Cups next week in preparation for my period the following week. I had to stop taking my BC because it was making my vag do weird things. So hopefully I actually get a period. /crosses fingers

^5.

I was having a conversation with my husband the other day about players taking big hits in pro football. I don’t know how it started, but there you go. Anyway, I’m of the opinion that the NFL is getting weak by taking away the big-hits and adding all these silly penalties for laying someone out. People want to see this, it’s why most of America loves UFC and MMA. From a vagina’s perspective (at least this vagina), there isn’t anything hotter than seeing brute force between two able-bodied men. If Ochocinco gets laid out on the field and is able to get up, shake it off and go 50 yards for a TD on the next play, I have to change my underwear. Seriously.

I think the better solution is the NFL taking care of the health of these guys after the retire. All of it. Any little thing: joint pain, headaches, back injuries, massages, whatever. They should be taken care of for all the money they’ve made the NFL. They are the working class that shouldn’t be taken for granted after their career fizzles.

^5.